Ups and Downs

Today has been emotionally draining. I was planning on moving to the other side of the world in about a month and a half but for various reasons I have had to postpone it. Today I told my work I needed to stay on longer and the response was wonderfully supportive.

So I cried. In front of my boss. Who was wonderful. Which made me cry more.

Then I visited some cheaper accommodation. Now I get to live with someone I like and get on with, and I can even take my cat.

Of course there are still the big issues. I’m still hopelessly in love with a married man and I still need to get my money back from the bank.

But one thing at a time and today was positive. Mostly. Ups and downs.

Flushing the Mind Toilet

I got this idea from someone else who said it helped them to write anonymously about everything they were going through; an outlet for all their fears and frustrations, anxiety and overwhelming emotions that we don’t know how to compute. Really, as humans, we are hugely unprepared to deal with ourselves.

We each have our issues and trials to deal with. Everyone deals differently and some don’t deal at all; they cash out pretty quickly and who can blame them? I’ve considered suicide plenty of times. I can tell you all the reasons I want to die but I can’t tell you the reasons why I want to live. Why is that? There must be at least one reason that’s good enough otherwise I wouldn’t be here now but for the life of me (pun intended) I can’t figure out what it is.

Perhaps it’s survival instinct, pure and simple. We’re still animals after all.

I’m a fairly positive person, glass half full (of beer) and all that but I feel bad about something most days and lately that’s been harder to deal with. I’ve been here before and I know the script so before we get to the penultimate episode (the one where the favourite characters die – you know what I’m talking about), I want to share. I want to get this shit out of me and into the vastness of the blogosphere where someone might or might not read it but ultimately it doesn’t matter because it’s out there and not in me.

Maybe I should have called the blog My Mind Toilet but Safety Net had a better ring (actually I didn’t think of My Mind Toilet – that’s so much better I might start another blog).

I intend to flush my mind toilet quite frequently here. You could call it an experiment. I want to see if it helps me. I’ll let you know.